the sun's on my side
bring me for a ride
i smile up the sky
i know i'll be alright
♥ ♥ ♥

Saturday, February 26, 2011

life without you just made breathing a whole lot harder.

Sending my brother off @ Changi airport terminal 1.

just reached home and bathed after sending my brother off to London for his masters.
now it's 1.34am and i feel so thoroughly exhausted.
mentally and physically.

its been a pretty tough and rough week for me, mentally.
now my high-and-bubbly spirits are popped like a bubble and my ego feels so deflated, so bruised.
yea, all that I've been putting up lately is more or less a facade.
not everything is 'alright' or 'okay', its more like 'NOT alright' and 'NOT okay'.
i don't really know if its 'cause of my flu and cough, which have been deteriorating day by day, or is it the strain of putting up with something I'm just not accustomed to.
it's so tiring to put up a facade and act as if every damn thing is plain sailing and that life is just plain and simple.
no, life's not easy and no one said it is.
i guess the pace of things just pushed me beyond my comfort zone.
yea, it may seem like nothing much is happening, physical scenarios perhaps, but certainly not the mental aspect.
mentally I'm thinking of a dozen things, with a few that barely change for the past 1 week.
I'm beginning to doubt if i can hold on for as long as i promised i would.
and i don't like breaking my promises.
perhaps if i can have super powers, I'd love to turn back the clock, to 11th January 2011, back to the time when everything was truly okay.
i didn't expect finding myself stuck in such a situation, definitely not what i had expected.
to think such a seemingly trivial matter compared to Mommy's untimely departure can land such a lasting impact on my personality and confidence.
i probably hadn't doubt myself more in 16years than i had in the past week.
I'm beginning to wonder if we're really meant to be.
i know chances are that she's reading this, but it doesn't really bother me anymore.
she have the right to know, and I'm pretty exhausted.
it's barely 2 weeks and i feel so drained already, shadows of doubt are already casted upon hopes for our future.
ever felt as if a dream were to disappear or disintegrate into thin air?
yea, if you feel how i feel then you can relate to this.
lets face it, I'm no superman.
i don't have superpowers and a clairvoyant mind, i can't predict the future.
I'm not charming nor attractive, I'm not a babe-magnet.
I'm just your average Joe with a below-average ego, what you see about me is just the veil of my inferiority complex.

i do need assurance, i do feel insecure even as a guy.

it's baffling, my future, my hopes and my dreams.
my faith in His promises and His words have yet to fade, but i doubt not of Jesus- i doubt myself.
it's like you're placed in the bleachers in a match and you start thinking if you're inferior, and if you'll ever get back into the game.
i wonder if my game is really over.
i don't wanna give up on this yet, i mean shit, i can't man.
i don't take things so lightly, not these things.
i can't just mess around with my heart and tell myself, 'hey time to change.'
at least i know that ain't my style.
i feel like i just got a sucker-punch.
i don't blame anyone for whatever that I'm going through.
i don't blame her, and definitely not God.
i know things happen for a reason, and she can't help it.
but i can't help it but rant about it too, it's just frustrating.
so frustrating and.. thought-consuming.
i feel I'm too preoccupied thinking about this 'problem' over and over.
it hardly left my mind for a moment too long.

but i guess ranting here doesn't change anything, and i don't expect it to.
i just need a place to let it all out; this is the place.
its a place i can scream aloud and all that everyone else see are words and letters that may not even make sense.
but in any case, i don't want my personal thoughts and feelings to affect her overall well being.
as much as i care for myself, i put her before me.
the price i have to pay, and I'm willing to pay, for love.

i just hope that God can keep me preoccupied with something in my life, like my ministry, while He do His work of wonder.
now i know how much she means to me.
i pray that Father Lord can grant me the strength to overcome this trying period.
i need my fire for God to be renewed, and my faith to be reinforce.
I'm going to put all my faith in His promises and care, and all my trust in her that we'll make it through.
i hope I'd be able to trust myself too.

the flu is taking a toll on my consciousness.
and girl, if you're reading this-

I'm sorry if I've uttered too much for your comfort, but i really really need somewhere to let everything out. all these is making me moody. there are some things that i can't change, things like this, and there are some things i can't control. I'd rather people read about my problems than to let my expression cause worry and speculation to run wild. i promise I'd try to be more discreet, but I'm sorry if there's anything that makes you uncomfortable. whatever you do, don't be wavered by what i say here. I'd hold on no matter how hard it is.

ciaos.

Aaron Tan

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28/10/94
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